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. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

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. What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!

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. What part of a football pitch smells nicest ? The scenter spot !

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. What's the chilliest ground in the premiership ? Cold Trafford !

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. How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle ? Somebody took a corner !

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. Which England player keeps up the fuel supply ? Paul gas coin !

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. What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !

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. What does a footballer and a magician have in common ? Both do hat tricks !

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. Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ? Because he liked sole music !

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. What tea do footballers drink ? Penaltea !

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. Where do footballers dance ? At a football !

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. What did the bumble bee striker say ? Hive scored !

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. Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !

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. What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !

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. If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls ? Cornflakes !

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. What is a goal keepers favourite snack ? Beans on post !

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. How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on !

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. Why didn't the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer !

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. Which insect didn't play well in goal ? The fumble bee !

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. Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ? Webley stadium !

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. How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

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. Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !

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. Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ? It was a cup draw !

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. Where do football directors go when they are fed up ? The bored room !

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. Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ? Player: I finished it in three days !

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. Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ? Captain: Well, it could have been worse. Manager: How ? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !

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. Why are football grounds odd ? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits !

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. Why did the goal post get angry ? Because the bar was rattled !

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. What is the bank manager's favourite type of football ? Fiver side !

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. What part of a football ground is never the same ? The changing rooms !

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. What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded ? Bring on their subs !

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. Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding ? They got jellygated !

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. Ref:I'm sending you off Player: What for ? Ref: The rest of the match !

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. Why do artists never win when they play football ? They keep drawing !

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. What is a runner's favourite subject in school ? Jog-raphy !

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. What stories are told by basketball players ? Tall stories !

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. Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

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. Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

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. How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

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. Did you hear about the underwater snooker player? He was a pool shark!

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. Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

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. Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.

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. Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What's so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

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. Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why? Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.

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. "I gotta 'A' in spelling," Tony told his father. "You dope!" he replied. "There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!"

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. Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother. On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun. "The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it." The governor replied, " 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"

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. A Hoosier, a Kentuckian and a West Virginian were on a Hollywood TV quiz show. The host asked them to complete the sentence: "Old MacDonald had a ..." The Indianan said, "Old MacDonald had a carburetor." "Sorry," said the MC. "That's incorrect." "Old MacDonald had a flat tire," said the Kentuckian. "Wrong," said the host. "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the West Virginian. "That's correct!" shouted the MC. "Now for $200,000, spell farm." The West Virginian thought hard and then spelled carefully: "E-I-E-I-O."

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. Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi? Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?

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. "Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!" "What's his name?" asked the friend. "Bob."

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. Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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